Yamamura's Wedding?
by xueling
Summary: This is meant to be complete insanity, with the premise of Yamamura getting married. It tries to be funny. Expect not realistic depictions of their character. Focus is on the reactions of Yamato/Uehara and the Tokyo MPD.


Merrily, Megure brought out a stack of invitations that were placed on his table to the break room, where Shiratori, Satou, Takagi and Chiba were passing time before heading out to dinner. Upon catching sight of the stack of envelopes, Satou chirped, "It must be a police wedding!"

"If only it was our wedding," Takagi mumbled under his breath, fortunately going undetected by the other officers.

Shiratori and Chiba smiled, events like these were always enjoyable, and a perfect reunion opportunity. Not to mention, that they would probably be able to wrangle a day off.

Megure ripped open the envelope and scanned the contents. His face visibly darkened.

"Don't tell me it's another of those serial murder cases challenging the police…" an alarmed Shiratori remarked. He had had enough of those.

"No, Satou's right. Police wedding. But don't be too excited." Megure deadpanned as he handed out the envelopes to the police officers. "Even I'm not thrilled by this news."

Satou balked. Takagi gulped. Shiratori choked. Chiba struggled to remember who Yamamura was.

"I can only think of one piece of news regarding Yamamura that is worse than this." Satou drawled, "oops, I didn't mean to say that aloud."

"Him getting another promotion, I know." Takagi continued.

"One promotion is one promotion too many." Shiratori added.

"We already have to deal with calling him Inspector. Yuck." Chiba finished off proudly.

"Nothing to be excited about, didn't I say." Megure victoriously remarked.

"While I might have briefly considered the possibility of going to the wedding before, I definitely will not be gracing his wedding with my presence." Shiratori fumed, waving his invitation around, "He just called me Paper Flower Hair Shiratori. Paper flower hair! He just insulted my signature fringe!"

The rest of the police officers zeroed in on their names to see what disparaging remarks he had made about them.

"Silver Witch Satou. If he was going to personalize the invitations this way, he might as well not have bothered. I hate that nickname. He could have very well put tough-as-nails or kickass instead of Silver Witch."

"Monkey-like Takagi. He should seriously go look in a mirror before calling me monkey-like, his resemblance to a mouse is legendary."

"Fatty Chiba. Well, regardless of my size, I daresay that I make a better police than he does, so he has no right insulting my size!"

"Trying to be Hero Megure. Apparently saving my fellow police from all kinds of physical harm counts as trying to be a hero. Wonderful. Remind me why he's an inspector in the first place?"

"I think I'll forsake my complimentary day off that accompanies police weddings." Satou bluntly stated. Even if she tried, there was no way she would be able to sincerely bless his union with another.

"I think I need to clear my paperwork!" Shiratori lamely offered. He couldn't think of a better excuse to avoid going for the wedding. One mousy looking Inspector (who insulted his fringe) was too much to deal with, especially if he was going to be the centre of attraction.

"Look, I know you're not the most keen to go for this wedding, but we still have to RSVP." Megure sternly stated.

"But you saw, Inspector Megure, he even dared to insult you!" Chiba exclaimed.

"We can't all not go. It's not polite."

Suddenly the table got significantly more interesting for Shiratori, who was drawing circles on the table with his finger. Also, it dawned upon Chiba that the nutrition labels for his can of cola was meant to be read, and the number of calories he was consuming was of prime importance. Meanwhile, Satou was picking imaginary lint off her clothing and Takagi was staring out of the window.

A smirk played on Satou's features. She had thought of a way not to go while shifting the blame to someone else. "I'll go if Takagi-kun goes." Satou chimed.

"What! No! I'll…I'll go if Inspector Megure goes!" Takagi swiftly shifted the responsibility to someone else.

"If Shiratori-kun goes, I'll also make the ultimate sacrifice." Megure muttered.

"I'll go if Chiba goes." Shiratori replied calmly.

"What! Why do I have to be the one making the decision when no one wants to go! I don't want to go either! You're bullying me because I'm the lowest rank!" Chiba retorted. I'll go if the Sun rises from the West tomorrow, but I can't possibly say that, he thought.

"Why don't I flip a coin to decide?" Chiba said, taking out his biased coin from his pocket. This way, he could guarantee that no one needed to go for the wedding, yet it would be the work of a supposedly fair coin toss. It wasn't though, it was rigged to always land on tails.

"No, no! It would be unreasonable to let a coin toss determine our attendance at someone's once in a lifetime event!" Megure exclaimed, clearly distressed. 50% odds of him having to go for this sickening event was too high a chance.

"How about I'll go if Satou-san goes?" Chiba inwardly cursed when Megure shot his wonderful idea down, he was considering revealing that the coin was rigged but decided against it.

"Then we're back at square one, that won't do." Shiratori stated.

"Then what do you'll expect me to do?" Chiba protested, angry that he had been forced to make such an irritating decision. Takagi shrugged.

"Okay, okay! I know, I'll go if Inspector Yamato from Nagano attends the wedding!" Chiba smirked, the odds of him attending was about as high as the sun rising from the West.

Megure nodded approvingly, silently praising Chiba for thinking of such an innovative solution to their gridlock. After all, Yamato probably hated Yamamura more than the entire Tokyo MPD combined after he royally messed up the ambush at the mall. Satou and Takagi shot each other knowing looks, with Shiratori catching sight of their wordless conversation and having to agree that Yamato would probably throw the invitation away without even a second thought. That is, if Yamamura even invited him in the first place. Shiratori doubted it.

They couldn't have been more right because over in Nagano, moments before, Yamato had just angrily shoved his invitation (along with Uehara's) down the shredder. If the prospect of Yamamura hadn't annoyed him enough, the fact that he had so diplomatically called him "Crippled Yamato" pissed him off. Yamamura calling his partner "Damsel in Distress Uehara" was the final straw. Into the shredder the invitation went, but not before he memorized the address to RSVP to give him a piece of his mind.

"Why on earth is that useless, ineffectual, completely incompetent wuss of an Inspector getting married in the first place. Idiots like him shouldn't tie themselves to others while they sink. Idiots like him shouldn't reproduce!" Yamato growled, "It's not like he's extremely handsome or anything…" Okay, maybe he wasn't the best person to judge that.

Uehara shot Yamato a confused look from across the corridor; he sure was unusually worked up about something.

"Hey Uehara, do you think Yamamura is attractive?" Yamato spat, attempting to seek an objective second opinion of Yamamura's attractiveness.

"No. Not the least bit…Why do you bother anyway. I must remind you that my relationships or lack thereof is none of your concern." Uehara hesitated, he wasn't going to start playing big brother on her now, was he?

"Good," Yamato replied, satisfied, and turned back to his paperwork. That means he was right, Yamamura shouldn't reproduce, and therefore, he was perfectly justified in shoving the invitation down the shredder.

At lunch, Yamato RSVPed to Yamamura's invitation, with a crude 'NO.' It was with no explanation, no apology and most definitely no congratulation. He seriously considered the notion of adding a few expletives, but upon consideration, it wasn't wise. But he was merely saving the dressing down for another time where there would be no proof. Oh, and the RSVP was on behalf of Uehara too.

Yamamura forgotten, Yamato went on with life, growling at suspects and barking at Uehara for the time. That was, until he was called to the chief's office.

"Is anything the matter, chief?"

"You're going to represent the Nagano MPD to attend Inspector Yamamura's wedding." The chief flatly stated.

Yamato's expression was that of utter disgust.

"He invited the whole force. But no one knows him expect you and Uehara. It's impolite for all of us not to show up, so you'll represent the Nagano MPD."

"But I've already RSVPed that I'm not attending his wedding." Yamato wasn't going to give up without a fight.

"As expected of Inspector Yamato. I already reversed that decision on your behalf. Yes, you don't need to thank me." The chief readily countered.

"But chief! You know that I can't stand that guy. He messed up the ambush so bad, and he nearly got Uehara stabbed!" Yamato protested. Since the logical method wasn't working with the chief, he would have to appeal to his emotions.

"Indeed. Which is why I'm giving you the chance to go to his wedding too. I had intended to send Uehara there, but seeing that you wouldn't let her within a ten foot radius of Yamamura…" the chief shrugged nonchalantly.

"Well, we could just both not go, and type out a nice little letter congratulating him on his wedding. It's much easier than having both of us make a pilgrimage down to Tokyo…"

"It's decided. Both of you are going. Don't try and talk me out of it. Anyway, it just might be a good thing for you. Consider not barking at her so much, then maybe you'll get some quality time with her." The chief winked annoyingly.

"Chief. What. Are you trying to imply. Uehara's a very respectable, decent lady. She wouldn't." Yamato growled, struggling to keep his temper from flaring.

"I really do want to promote Uehara to Assistant Inspector soon, and I'm sure you want that too, so…" The chief reclined in his chair.

"Yes sir." Yamato robotically responded and headed out of the office. After making sure he was sufficiently far away, he let loose a barrage of colourful language.

It didn't even cross the minds of the Tokyo MPD to give Yamato a ring to check if he was going for Yamamura's wedding. It was inherently assumed that he definitely wouldn't dignify the occasion with his presence. Plus he might scare the other guests with his nasty scar anyway.

That was, until Satou got a call from Uehara.

"Satou-san?"

"Uehara-san! It's good to hear from you. Is anything up?"

"I wanted to tell you that I'm coming down to Tokyo next week, so I was thinking, maybe we could have dinner or something?"

"Of course! I'll give you my schedule later, so we can work something out?"

"Sure thing!"

"Why are you coming down to Tokyo anyway? A case?"

"Nope, attending a wedding. Actually wasn't keen on coming, but Chief insisted, so I had no say in the matter."

"Don't tell me…It's not Yamamura's wedding is it?" Satou couldn't believe her ears, this was not happening. Maybe Chiba should have chosen one of the Yokomizo twins instead.

"You're talking about the Gunma Inspector who doesn't deserve to be one right? Yes, I'm attending his wedding. Much to my displeasure actually."

"Inspector Yamato…" Satou wasn't really looking forward to hearing the answer. After all, they could all feign ignorance and pretend that they were not informed about Yamato attending the wedding.

"Inspector Yamato? What about? Yes, he's also coming down to Tokyo. " Uehara unknowingly answer the unspoken question, though still confounded as to why Satou would be vaguely interested.

And Uehara was abandoned abruptly, with the beeping phone for company.

"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Satou-san?"

Satou wandered off to the break room, conveniently finding Shiratori, Takagi and Chiba taking a break over canned coffee. Satou plopped down on an empty chair dejectedly.

"He's coming. Inspector Yamato is attending Yamamura's wedding." Satou plainly stated.

"What! What do you mean he's coming! That wasn't the way things were supposed to turn out! He was supposed to chuck the invite in the trash without giving it a second thought!" Chiba exclaimed.

"He probably did, judging from what Uehara was saying. But the chief overwrote his decision apparently." Satou lamely responded.

"Should have chosen someone else, Chiba. Maybe one of the Yokomizo brothers would have been a better bet." Shiratori said.

"It was a very logical choice! I chose the person who hated Yamamura the most, and that has got to be Inspector Yamato. How would I know…" Chiba defended his (indeed logical) decision.

"It looks like we have no choice but to attend this wedding then." Satou finished.

"On the bright side, at least there's someone who hates Yamamura more than us present, so he'll be saying whatever we want to say…" Takagi suggested.

"And more. Much more." Shiratori couldn't help but add.

"Oh dear! It's next week!" Satou gasped, it only just dawning on her that the wedding was in fact, next week, "I have nothing to wear!"

"You don't have to wear anything." Shiratori said bluntly.

"I think that statement would be more suitable for Kobayashi-sensei." Chiba replied. Takagi could not help but nod enthusiastically to Chiba's intelligent statement.

"…Special" Shiratori attempting to complete his sentence in an appropriate manner after realizing what he just said.

"Don't go on to say that Satou-san will look good in anything she wears. Again, that statement would be more suitable for Kobayashi-sensei." Chiba cut in unapologetically, much to the delight of Takagi.

"The second statement. Only the second statement is appropriate for Kobayashi-sensei. The first statement, I don't think so." Satou advised Shiratori genially.

"Miwako-chan! You really should dress up more!" Yumi chided Satou, appearing at the door of the break room out of nowhere.

"Yumi! But you don't understand, I really don't feel like dignifying his wedding more than I already am."

"It's a once-in-a-lifetime event! How can you just say that you don't want to dress up?" Yumi replied indignantly.

"Well, it is, but it's Yamamura's wedding. Which kind of negates your point." Satou drawled.

"Who Yamamura?"

"The useless Inspector from Gunma? The one you met while on the Silver Witch case?"

"That mousy guy with the grandma?"

"Yes, that one. That mousy guy. He's getting married. Can you believe it?" Chiba interjected.

"Well, I guess your work clothing is high fashion enough. You wouldn't want to upstage the groom do you?" Yumi did a 180 degree turn and tried to provide reasons why Satou should not bother dressing up, obviously contrary to what she initially said.

"Indeed! I wouldn't want to upstage the groom on his once-in-a-lifetime wedding." Satou conveniently ignored whatever contradictions Yumi might have made and gratefully latching on to whatever reason that anyone could provide.

"Are you sure you don't want to tag along? After all, your best friend and the rest of us are going. Perhaps you might meet a handsome guy over there?" Shiratori teased.

"Since when were you capable of humour, Inspector Shiratori, that's something new I learnt today. And of course not, the guests are the wedding fall into two distinct categories. Category one, idiots like Yamamura who willingly attend. Category two, unwilling guests." Yumi flatly stated.

"I'm entirely sure that we belong to the second category of unwilling guests. The only reason why we're going is because Inspector Yamato is going, and I don't know what on earth happened in Nagano. Why oh why did I choose Inspector Yamato of all people?" Chiba lamented.

"Yes, why did you choose him of all people?" Shiratori lamented, "Though I can't say I would have done any different if I was in your situation."

Unwilling members of the Tokyo MPD met with the two disgruntled officers (one more so than the other) from Nagano outside the Beika Town Hall. They were, to be kind, various degrees of informal. Perhaps unkempt would have been a better word to describe some of the attendees. The worst perpetrator must have been Yamato, seeing that his natural gruff, rough aura did not help the situation. Not that he made the slightest attempt to rectify it, with his rumpled tie loosely hanging off his neck and a badly crumpled long sleeved shirt. Arguably, it was even worse than his normal work attire, but no one was going to find out. At least, the rest had bothered to iron their clothes and pair it with a matching tie, though all of them had a prior agreement not to bring a tuxedo. That only left Megure as the sore thumb, with his jacket draped over his shoulder, after he decided that it was better to fit in. Satou had taken heed from Shiratori, seeing that she did not have to wear anything…special, she had merely dug her work clothes out of her closet and hastily threw it on. Possibly in an attempt to neutralize Yamato's unkemptness, though it was questionable if it could be saved even by Uehara's most valiant efforts, she had actually bothered to don a rather decent dress, and she had let her hair down.

Satou and Uehara promptly broke off from the group, lagging behind the men who were left to dabble in their less than stoic silence.

"Uehara-san! Your purple grey dress suits you!" Satou complimented her dress enthusiastically.

"Thanks for the compliment Satou-san, but you're definitely cooler, daring to rock that pantsuit of yours at a wedding! You didn't bother looking for something to wear did you?"

Satou winked, "You mean, you actually went shopping for that dress? Don't tell me someone like you doesn't have a wardrobe of dresses on hand!"

"I could say the same of you, someone as pretty as you rightfully should have a wardrobe of dresses on hand. But no, to set the record straight, I don't."

"But you managed to pull this out? And it's a well thought out purchase too."

"Normally, I'm just lazy and wear the same dress to different occasions…but I don't know why Inspector Yamato didn't like the idea of me wearing my normal dress. I wouldn't be dissuaded because I wouldn't buy a new dress just to appear at this event, so he bought me one." Uehara finished awkwardly

"Pardon me, but he is one really strange person."

"I don't know? But maybe it was supposed to make up for him refusing to wash his hair. I bugged him about it, but he simply refused to wash it."

"I think he thinks it's dignifying the occasion, and I would agree with him. Having two of you travel in especially is draining."

Meanwhile, at the front, the men were criticizing the décor of the wedding hall.

"Look at all the balloons and streamers, it looks like he's having a birthday party instead! And a birthday party for a five year old might I add."

"And he hastily bought the décor from the dollar shop before stringing them up himself."

"I bet you, he wanted the occasion to seem joyous, and his definition of joyous is precisely that, a five year old's birthday party. That's only because people started seeing that he was an idiot after that." 

"You're cutting. Very cutting."

"Couldn't expect anything less given that I was forced to come. And he had to travel here, all we did was to drive here from the office."

"Wouldn't have come if not for the chief, I tell you…"

"We all wouldn't be here if you didn't come, Inspector Yamato."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We all based our decisions on other people, and Chiba chose to base his decision on yours…"

"Well, in my defense, I thought you were the least likely person to come."

"I would have completely agreed with your decision and the reasoning. Unforeseen circumstances. I have no desire to be here."

Their conversation was interrupted by an enthusiastic bunch of ladies running up to them and thrusting them a handful of colourful pens.

"Come, write well wishes and your congratulations for the happy couple!"

"Happy? Seriously." Yamato scoffed audibly, and made no move to take the pens offered to him.

"Oh sure thing!" Takagi said pleasantly, reaching for the pens currently offered to Yamato.

"You're writing Takagi-kun! My handwriting is horrible." Megure swiftly delegated the work to the poor Takagi before muttering, "That's a euphemism for, even I have nothing to write. I would avoid it if I could."

"Wait, you'll must be the esteemed officers from the Tokyo MPD?"

"We are, but these two are from the Nagano MPD. No less esteemed or capable though. They're extremely capable officers too." Megure replied politely.

"Inspector Yamamura has specially assigned one page each for the Tokyo and Nagano MPD. He considers you'll wonderful colleagues." One of the enthusiastic ladies squealed in an irritatingly high pitch.

"Wonderful colleagues. What colleagues? He doesn't even deserve to be the subordinate of my subordinate. Simply an embarrassment." Yamato mumbled, incredibly annoyed, but he continued, "Uehara, you're writing!"

With that Takagi and Uehara were left with the less than pleasant task of filling up an entire page, which might have been easier if they actually had good things to say. Filling a page up with no substance was a considerable challenge. Because of this, the two officers had decided to combine their efforts and splash a cartoony "congratulations" across the two adjacent sheets to minimize the number of words they had to squeeze out. Uehara easily starts on a rather impressive piece of artwork since she is relatively skilled at wielding the pen—though no better than Yamamura would be at annoying people. Meanwhile, Takagi was generating various permutations of congratulations with absolutely no substance and attempting to vary the handwriting.

"Congratulations, you're getting married Yamamura! Against all expectations might I add. I wish you bliss and joy in your married life! I couldn't wish you otherwise could I? At least I couldn't put this on paper… Congrats on finding such a pretty wife! I haven't even seen her yet, but I'm sure she will compare positively to you, Yamamura! Satou's much prettier anyway. And cooler. And more capable. She has better taste in guys than your wife, that's certain… Here's wishing you a blissful marriage and wonderful kids in future. Though I really couldn't imagine you as a responsible father, so it's probably better that you don't reproduce….Congratulations on your wedding, I hope that you enjoy married life! You rightfully should, because someone else is probably going to be exceedingly miserable." Takagi mumbled to himself as he wrote out the various messages. On behalf of "Is A Hero Megure", "Boyfriend Material Shiratori", "Tough-As-Nails Satou", "Very Considerate Takagi" and "Size Doesn't Matter Chiba".

"Oh, don't worry about mine or Inspector Yamato's. I'll do those." Uehara commented when Takagi seemed particularly stumped as to what to write on the Nagano side. Takagi wondered what horrible things Yamamura must have written about Uehara and Inspector Yamato.

"How are you going to fill that side up with two messages?" Takagi looked rather helplessly at the remaining free space on the Nagano side.

"I'll write an exceedingly long message by myself to occupy the space, don't worry about me." Uehara reassured him, though Takagi still looked very doubtful. He needn't have worried though, for when he finished the Tokyo MPD side, the Nagano side seemed reasonably occupied.

Dear Yamamura, major congratulations on your wedding! Here at the Nagano MPD, we were all very surprised when we received your wedding invitation. Although the rest of the MPD had work commitments and therefore could not make the time to travel down to attend your wedding, I would like to congratulate you on their behalf. You indeed have good taste, managing to land a wife who is both pretty and virtuous, I don't believe it would be an exaggeration to say that many men would be jealous of you, Yamamura. It would do you well to treat her well and dote on her, though I'm sure that saying this is superfluous as you should already know that, if not you wouldn't be able to marry her today. You are entering into a new stage of life, and one that has the potential to be very blissful, although it also can turn into your greatest nightmare. As someone who is highly intelligent, I believe that you would be able to make it work. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

"How did that get there? And so quickly?" Takagi wondered out loud.

"I just wrote nonsense to fill up space, not even sure if it makes sense, but I figure it doesn't matter." Uehara replied easily, "And I'm just going to write a messy congratulations on behalf on Inspector Yamato. That's all he'll ever write in the first place."

Megure pops by to check on their progress, and is visibly pleased, "I know that I could count on two of you! And it's pretty Uehara-san, I got to say."

Uehara finished embellishing the pages with a few bells and whistles before she rejoined the gossiping group on the other side. Takagi scribbled in "Definitely Inspector Material Yamato" and "Dream Assistant Uehara" underneath to help give Yamamura a dressing down.

"Do you know of any other events that are more worthwhile attending than this one? This one probably single handedly ruins my impression of events." Shiratori stated, bored.

"Well, I think this probably makes the record as the worst attended police wedding ever." Chiba replies, "For a good reason too, might I add."

"He sure had the guts to invite like the whole city to his wedding though. It's not something that most would have done." Satou mused.

"He only has to invite the whole city because he knew the attendance rate was going to be this dismal!" Shiratori pointed out.

"I wonder if there's going to be anything redeeming about this wedding at all." Megure rested his cheek on his open palm.

"Maybe if Yamamura announces his decision to leave the police force it would be redeeming?" Chiba wondered.

"If I were him, I'd cling onto this wonderful job for dear life. Earning a very decent income for virtually doing nothing. And here we are risking our lives. Seriously." Satou spat, irritated.

"Don't even think of moving to Gunma. I still need my good officers here in Tokyo. And if you move there I swear that you'll become ineffectual like him." Megure warned, voice dangerous.

"By the same token, don't move to Nagano either. It has dismal promotion prospects. Truly dismal. After so many years, I'm still Inspector Yamato's junior officer. And I'm 29!" Uehara faked exasperation.

"Hey Uehara, it would do good for you not to badmouth the Nagano MPD. We merely have high standards, unlike a neighbouring prefecture." Yamato retorted, stinging from her final remark.

"But it's true! I am 29 and a detective."

"You're not a junior officer; they just got used to calling you that. The age difference helped too."

"But the Nagano MPD is like the Tokyo one in that it has very capable inspectors and detectives. It's a very good learning environment, after you transfer to Gunma, you can probably become a Superintendent!"

"It's not like anyone will want to transfer to Gunma anyway, seeing a certain Inspector everyday is enough to put you off. Speaking of which, I think we better eat first before we lose our appetite after seeing a mouse near our food!" Chiba took a dig at Yamamura happily.

The hoard of police officers thus moved towards the buffet spread and started helping themselves. The food was surprisingly decent, especially when compared to the décor and the groom.

"This must have been chosen by the bride, there is no way that someone has taste this good." Takagi commented half innocently.

"He would probably choose finger food like nuggets and french fries to go with his theme. Of five year old birthday parties." Yamato said without tinge of guilt.

"This really isn't too bad is it? It's starting to feel like a Tokyo-Nagano get together buffet lunch." Uehara tried to lighten the atmosphere.

"That's only because someone hasn't made a cameo appearance yet." Satou poured cold water on Uehara's well-intentioned attempt.

"I must say that I'm completely fine without a cameo appearance by the mousy guy." Shiratori proclaimed.

"Shouldn't they be screening some video montage of sorts or making some stuffy speech instead of merely letting this seem like a buffet lunch?" Megure wondered, "Not that I actually mind though."

Speak of the devil-mouse, as if on cue, two emcees hurtled up the stage and called for everyone's attention, as they began introducing the illustrious career that Yamamura had, much to sounds of choking from an unidentified source, before going into the background of the bride.

"She seems very decent, not anything like what I would have imagined…What possessed her to agree to this?" Satou mumbled.

"She must either be drunk or desperate." Chiba replied with his hand covering his mouth.

"I don't think anyone can be drunk enough to agree to a face like that…" Shiratori openly insulted Yamamura again.

"Desperate. That's the only explanation. Desperation." Megure finished, putting an end to the conversation.

Then came Yamamura's speech.

"I will love my wife with all my heart. I will treat her the best, and not let her regret her decision. I was born to love her with all my heart. I won't…" Yamamura recited in the most staccato of voices as he read off his script. A badly written script.

"I'd be surprised if she hasn't yet regretted it." Shiratori yawned.

Yamato was superbly incensed, driving his crutch into the floor in sync with Yamamura's all too predictable tempo. He muttered a string of curse words under his breath, branding him a compulsive liar, which seemed to be a fair.

Yamamura ended his speech dramatically with a poem about roses being red, violets being blue and sugars being sweet.

"How cheesy!" Satou exclaimed, a little louder than intended.

"Might as well not have marred his not too fantastic speech further…" Uehara concurred.

Yamato drove his crutch into the ground with incredible strength and froze there in irritation. The rest of the men shake their heads hopelessly. Megure had enough and took out a stack of paperwork. That opened the floodgates for the rest of them to produce their up-till-then hidden paperwork, and started working at it.

"I should have remembered to bring the paperwork." Yamato muttered as he eyed this progression of events.

"You were supposed to treat this as a semi-holiday, Kan-chan!" Uehara berated, belatedly realizing that she had just called him by the wrong name, but deciding against correcting herself. One she wasn't on duty, and two, he was making too much of a scene and she couldn't figure out what it was about.

"This. Is most definitely not a semi-holiday." Yamato grunted under his breath.

"You have to loosen up a tad. We're not on duty now, so Yamamura is just a police officer that's getting married, not the ineffectual inspector of Gunma." Uehara half-heartedly replies, surprised that Yamato didn't chide her for calling him by the wrong name.

"Well, it was the same off-duty useless inspector that called me a cripple." Yamato spat.

Oh. Oh. Oh. That's why Kan-chan was more incensed than expected when he had to come. That's why he keeps driving his crutch into the floor. Stupid stupid stupid. He should know better than to call Kan-chan a cripple. Uehara finally saw where the fire originated from, and then knew better not to irritate Yamato any further.

No one in the police force had any idea how it happened, as they were all too engrossed in paperwork, or indignance in the case of Yamato, but suddenly the bride was running out of the hall. Yamamura offered a weak attempt at giving chase before he slinked back in shame.

"What on earth just happened?" Megure boomed.

"I think we just had a case of a runaway bride." Satou filled him in.

"So much for something redeeming happening. Does that satisfy your criteria?" Chiba wondered.

"I'm not entirely sure yet. But at least the lady was intelligent enough to get away, I guess?" Megure shrugged before turning back to his paperwork, ignoring the fuss that was going on over at the other side of the room. His subordinates followed suit, paying no attention to the mounting chaos.

And then Yamamura made his way over, dejected and depressed. After being slapped twice (courtesy of Ran and Kazuha) and called a pedophile (on behalf of Ayumi), Yamamura had decided that it would be prudent to ask someone closer to his age. Without even getting her attention, Yamamura just plunged into the topic.

"Satou-san, will you marry me?" Yamamura asked, rather boldly. Takagi squirmed uncomfortably, instantly paying full attention, and moving closer to Satou.

"Definitely not." Satou replied coldly. Takagi couldn't help but keep a smile from creeping onto his face. Satou patted his arm in a comforting gesture and gave him a warm smile.

Seeing a clear lack of targets, Yamamura moved on to the only other female police officer within reach, clearly a second choice. Yamato attempted to remain nonchalant, dismissing his concerns with a wave of the hand.

"Will you marry me, Uehara?" Yamamura ventured, still unfazed by the multiple rejections.

"It's Uehara-san. Not Uehara!" Yamato growled, a murderous glint rising in his eyes as he stalked his way over to Yamamura. He felt fire growing as Uehara hesitated, almost as if mulling over her decision. Yamato nearly screamed in frustration. It was the same ineffectual inspector that nearly got her shot!

"Yamamura, I would love to—" And Uehara got promptly interrupted before she could finish her sentence, much to her surprise.

"That's wonderful, I'll take very good care of you Uehara! You won't regret it!" His voice regained the same staccato-like quality as he reached for Uehara's hand. Yamato recovered from his shock right there and then.

"It's Uehara-san! Not Uehara! And what are you saying, Uehara? Do you know what you're saying? What on earth?!" Yamato exclaimed while retaining his vice-like grip on Yamamura's shoulder.

"I said, I would love to see you get married, but know that I am not that bride. I'm sure you will find someone who is suited for you Yamamura; but it's not me." Uehara spoke hurriedly, with the full intent of finishing her sentence before someone else interrupted her at an inconvenient place again.

"But why? I'm an inspector, I'm not too lowly for you! Our ages are similar; we're both police officers. Plus it's not like you have much choice anyway, as a formerly married woman. Why not?" Yamamura blurted as Yamato loses control and crushes Yamamura's shoulder with his good hand. Everyone let Yamato be as Yamamura grimaces in pain.

"Just no, Yamamura, and this is the reason why the rest of the girls turned you down too. Ayumi-chan, Ran-chan, Kazuha-chan they're all way too young for you. Satou-san is clearly taken by a fellow officer, and they're adorable together. That's why not." Uehara replied, patience tested.

"But there's no one else to ask, and I'm getting married in a few minutes time!"

"You can always postpone your plans, you shouldn't rush things like that."

"But you're so nice to me, you're the only one who didn't say no outright! Please consider it, Uehara, I'll treat you well!"

"Let me repeat, it's Uehara-san! Not Uehara!" Yamato hissed, crutch positioned to inflict more bodily harm on Yamamura.

"The rest of the people have reasons, so you give me a reason!" Yamamura demanded.

"I'm a widow. So I'm a really bad deal anyway. I'm not worth it." Uehara stated, cutting, voice as cold as ice.

Yamamura looked at her, head tilted to one side, then nodded in agreement before looking for a next target. If Yamato had his gun, he would have seriously considered blowing Yamamura's head off for saying something as insensitive as that.

"Since you've decided that widows aren't worth it, you better keep your eyes and hands of Uehara." Yamato threatened and rapped his crutch on the floor a few times.

"It's Uehara-san! Not Uehara!" Yamamura squealed.

"I get to call her Uehara, not you!" Yamato retorted.

"Yamato, will you marry me?" Yamamura started.

Uehara looked appalled at the sudden change of situation, and shakes her head, though not the least bit anxious. From her knowledge, Yamato was most definitely straight, and he hated Yamamura to the bones. Yamato hurls.

"What sort of ludicrous, indecent proposal is that? Even if you're not straight, I am! And if you're not straight, why on earth are you proposing to women?"

"Well, maybe Uehara meant that women weren't for me?"

"It's Uehara-san! Not Uehara! And you're hopeless Yamamura, get a life!"

"So?"

"Do I have to make myself any clearer, it's a no. Obviously not."

"Why? You don't have anyone who's waiting for you, with your gruff voice and harsh appearance."

"How I behave is none of your business. Whether I have anyone waiting for me is none of your business. And whether I'm a cripple or not is none of your business." Yamato turned to storm out of the hall, before turning back and adding, "Whether Uehara is a formerly married woman or not is also none of your concern!"

Uehara chased after the hopping mad Yamato, while the rest of the Tokyo MPD decided that it was an opportune moment to leave, though Mouri Kogoro and the rest of the gang beat them to it.

"Not redeeming Chiba. I'd say not redeeming." Megure answered Chiba's question, "Having him make indecent proposals to fellow colleagues in the police force was downright disturbing."


End file.
